Love Letter to Grey No. 2 ::: Lily

My dearest Lily AKA Lilah, Bean, Koala Bear, Screamapillar, and Squirrel-girl,

It is hard to think of you as being gone...you were so full of life! You were born on Thanksgiving in a trailer park in Marlboro, Mass. You were part of a get-rich-scheme where the family had invested in a purebred Himalayan cat to breed with other Himalayans and make millions. However, they weren't too bright, and let your mama be an un-spayed outdoor cat. She met your dad, a grey from around the way. Some people I knew were keeping track of the situation and encouraging the owners to have their lady spayed and meanwhile find homes for the kittens. You lived in a bathtub with your brothers, but the local children had become rough so you were taken from your mama early and rode into the city on the shoulder of a woman named Heather, just after new years.

You didn't even weigh a pound and weren't fully weened.

I'd spent the day buying you girlie kitten toys at the pet shop because you were coming early and I wasn't prepared. But you were so tiny! Your whole body filled the palm of my hand. You didn't look real - mostly like a mogwai. Back then your eyes were as grey as your fur. The toys I'd gotten were bigger than you and I had to convert a shoebox lid into a litter box - but even that was almost too high for you to climb in and out of. You fell on your face a lot. You played with dustbunnies and you looked like one, too! Your favorite toy was the balled up receipt for your pretty things. Your meow was high pitched and I could hear it from far away...you found yourself a surrogate, and that was me. I'd make you dishes of formula goo in the morning and in the evening. You'd play in hard bursts, then find a way up to my chest, lay on my heart, and either fall asleep there or another cozy spot...but you always checked in.

Fog wasn't allowed in the room yet because you were so small, but he was anxious to meet you. He thought you were an alien and needed to investigate. You thought he was THE COOLEST and that the white tip of his tail was a built in toy for you. He was unamused. He'd sit just out of your reach and you'd jump and jump. One day you'd grown enough to jump onto his neck - he was so alarmed! He didn't know what to think, but mostly he didn't like you. That didn't stop you from thinking he was your hero. You wanted to be just like him, and since he was declawed you didn't think to turn on your claws often; lucky for me. You were so cute it was unreal.

I started you on a harness and leash right away. Technically they were a gift from my brother because he'd given me money for my birthday and I thought what's the girliest thing I can get with this? Oh, a pink and silver kitten leash set! Oh, yes. You marched around with your harness on until you were comfy and then I took you out into the great big world. You LOVED it! You loved to roll around on the ground - on the hot concrete, soft grass, and dirty dirt. You chased moths, leaping into the air! My heart soared with yours - you were so happy! When autumn came and the New England leaves fell, you didn't want to hear them crunch, nor did you want to frolic in the snowflakes. Together we hibernated.

As you got bigger you also got fluffier. There was no end to the poofy. When we moved to Virginia something had to be done: you got your first lion cut. You looked so sassy - I have some amazing photographs of you, little show off. Hopefully they can be recovered, but if not I can still see you. I remember how you looked on the silver chair, how you blended in. I remember you watching TV - a show about rats, while standing on your hindlegs, paws on the television screen. I remember when I adopted my first set of rats and the look on your face. I remember when you tested those rats and were put in your place. Years later I remember you and Holly playing chase all over my tiny Philadelphia apartment.

Your eyes had turned from grey to orange. You always looked shocked. You allowed Karin and I to put a Miss April t-shirt on you over New Year's Eve and we also fed you and Fog kitty ice cream bars (who knew they made those!). You only liked fish flavored things. You continued to get your furcuts and delighted in wearing snuggly things for days - you had your favorite outfits and the ones you'd wear for a few to amuse me. You liked to stick your head under lamps to warm your ears in the winter, and in the summer you were the matrix of catching flying insects. You also cuddled under blankets. The only human food you liked were delicate bites of toast or pastries and occasionally whipped cream. You took each bite gently and timidly - the opposite of Fog - and so I made sure you had room to be you and enjoy your treat.

You were noisy. You sounded like a Mario-character when you'd jump up onto things. ...and you'd shriek - SCREAM! You were never more than seven pounds, but your voice was like a locomotive. Around new people you were very shy, but you liked boys. You knew who my family was and always ran to spend time with them. You were painfully sweet, and you made my heart ache with love.

Since our difficult move to Philadelphia you didn't like to be far from me when I was home, and you always greeted me at the door. We'd been especially close this past fall and winter. You'd come to bed at the same time as me, climb under the covers, and lay against my back or my belly. You warmed the aches of pregnancy and used my belly as your perch when I'd be up crocheting and watching shows on my laptop. I wondered when you'd figure out that there was someone in my belly - I wondered how you'd react when the baby came. You knew something was up, and one night when I pulled out the baby clothes to take inventory on what we had/still needed you rolled around on everything...not typical cat-rolls, but a possessive curl-scoot, and then snoozed on your head in the middle of Tristan's things. ...and that was that. You were the princess. We all knew that. Fog had learned to bow to you from the moment he decided you were worth grooming and I was head over heels when you'd shower me with attention.

Our last night together you sat on Brandon's lap for the first time. You played with him all the time, and even resurrected your old game of fetch with the plastic ring from bottles to show off for him. That night, though, you laid on his leg, flipped your tail, and looked at home. Later we went into the bedroom and you sat on my baby bump while I crocheted the blanket for Tristan. I'd cover you with the blanket since you liked to be cozy and that's how I could measure it.

That night I picked you up and held you, your front paws on my shoulder and I snuggled my face against your fur. You smelled like cookies. You smelled like warm, delicious cookies, and I almost called Brandon because you were usually such a stinky cat and he'd never believe me that you smelled so sweet...but I didn't want to disturb the moment. I held you, expecting you to jump away, but you didn't. I thought, this is one of those moments I want to remember the rest of my life, long after you're gone. I put it deep in my heart; buried treasure.

You hung out with me as I brushed my teeth, slept at my feet, then greeted me in the morning with chirps. I fed you both, then got ready for my day out.

"Goodbye, kittennnnnnnns!"

Goodbye, Lilah.

I'm left with the warmth of your body against my right cheek and the scent of cookies. That isn't the only moment that I remember, but it's certainly the most vivid. It's really hard to let go of the hope - the hope that you're still out there and we'll find each other.

You were perfect.
I named you after a flower that means, "dare to love again."
I dared...but you broke my heart.
In the wake of your death I understand that to love you for the seven lucky years that I had you was the biggest gift of all. You made me smile countless smiles. You filled my heart with laughter and joy. You soothed my anxiety, comforted my soul. You helped me through so many hard times.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you get out of the apartment.
I'm so sorry, pretty.

My only comfort in this is that you had Fog with you and that it was quick...
but that comfort is cold. It isn't really comforting at all.

Sometimes I wake up and see your big, fluppy head staring at me while I sleep...
but then I wake up for real, and you're gone.

I want you back.
I miss you.

You're gone...
but I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
It can't be over.
Losing you...
is
so
sad.
<3

Why are you the hardest?
Love,
me