Leaving Your Preemie in NICU

Bili lights AKA The Tanning Bed

I think one of the furthest thoughts from our minds when we are pregnant is the possibility that you might leave the hospital without your baby.

Two years ago I was discharged and had to come home alone. I had my husband with me, but not our son. He was hanging out under some bili lights with shades on. They do that for jaundice. It had been a running joke that because my pregnancy cravings had been oranges we'd have an orange baby.

We totally joke about that part now, but at the time...he was still supposed to be inside of me so it wasn't funny yet.

There are no words to describe how empty I felt; how lonely.

I'd really gotten into talking to him...playing music...like, I'd gotten a Headphonies for Christmas that I'd tuck into my belly bands which (btw!) are perfect for rocking out with your fetus! The first album he listened to was Def Lepard's Hysteria and we listened to Vitamin String Quartet every.single.night.

Anyway.

It was so quiet without him.

My body hurt in places I didn't know existed. Like, who knew you had so many muscles in your face? I imaginary-punched everyone who said wellllllllllll, at least you got to push him out while he was still so little. Excuse me??! Tactlessness aside do you even know how big preemie heads are?

L&D pains aside, the biggest pain by far was in my heart. I had to keep telling myself that he was in the hospital; it's such a hard idea to wrap your mind around. I mean, I was in shock.

Preterm labor leaves many wounds that heal but other parts will never be forgotten.