I'm binge eating crackers and drinking diet cola in hopes of quelling the migraine spreading across the right side of my face. You've been in school for 53 minutes now and gone from me even longer. We sat on the front steps waiting for the bus to come at 12:03. It was a couple minutes late but we didn't mind.
You had your worst nightmare ever some time after I got up. I was having my coffee and figuring how long I should let you sleep when you came out hysterically crying telling me that "zombies are dead." I said, "that's true, they are." I'm still not sure if you realized they were living dead or if one had re-died...you couldn't tell me...but I got us both ready with one arm with your arms flung around my neck hysterical over the zombies.
Last night you ate a whole cheese pizza minus two slices. One for me, and one for you that I hid in your lunch box just in case you don't like the food they serve today, though I hope seeing other kids eat different things will encourage you to try as well. It was really hard hiding that slice. Papa and I didn't know how hungry you were after your busy day at OT at CHOP.
"Big big big bigger pizza!"
"I sad. Papa not feed me. Pizza bigger pizza!," you wailed until well after 2 a.m.
Honey, I promised we'd order a large next time. Who knew a little one could eat so much pizza - but it's just as likely that you won't want any next time.
You're tricky like that.
You have your dinosaur backpack from Grandma'bama. I hope I packed it well. You chose to wear a raptor shirt from Gramma--that will make her happy. Underneath it you wore your dog-in-a-tie shirt because that is your favorite.
Your shorts are new but that's one of the many special things about you - you find comfort in the familiar.
I took a few photos but they were just candid selfies. Real moments. When you're older most of the kids you know will have photos of themselves holding a chalkboard with a number. That's very trendy right now. I don't have a chalkboard but maybe on a day you're feeling better we can come up with something quirky.
The bus pulled up and we did it quick like a band-aid. When I was a teacher I always thought that was best to start out. It's harder when the shoe is on the other foot but I still wanted to give you over to your own independent routine.
This past week I have pondered nature versus nurture a lot...when you come home it will be the first time you've done something completely on your own with other children. What will you pick up? What will you share with others? There are so many new things entering your personal space now.
We'd planned to homeschool - and maybe that's still part of the future - but right now Papa and I are happy that you'll be in a school with other children similar to you, with teachers and therapists trained to work with special needs.
You're our brave boy - from the moment you fought to stay in me for another month after the fire until you came out fighting against my contractions. We know you'll keep surprising us - how? That's the mystery yet to unravel.
Love,
Mama
P.S. I have been bracing myself for you to start calling me Mommy and warned Papa he might become Daddy since that is what most children call their parents and the terms teachers use. It's a particularly hard thought since you just started saying our names consistently over the last few months...but I've treasured each time and tucked them away in my heart to save forever.
"I lub you, too, Mama."
I love you, too, Buggie.
I want to go stand in the old HYCCC, the one before all the renovations, and look into the Green Door Room from the hallway to see what they all saw. To stand where they stood as they watched someone else take their child's hand knowing that that might mean they'd also take up some space in their child's heart. I want to do this because I'm getting ready for my spot on that side of the door. Although Kevin is a few years from his chalkboard sign announcing his first day, he has decided that he can do his bedtime bottle without my help. Its my first recognizable Mummy loss. I too have wondered if a well-intentioned teacher along the way will change my preferred Mum and Mummy to Mom and Mommy. I look forward to hearing all about his great adventures and your bravery in letting him have them! Luv Lee!
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