09 June 2014

Happy Homecoming No. 3

Just past your due date, but over two months old.

How far we've come, my little one! In fact the day might have completely passed unnoticed if I hadn't seen a photo on Instagram of a girl at her baby shower pretending her water had broken early. She had a water bottle and was lurching about in a really cute dress, glowing with the sillies, splashing her water all over the place with a caption like, UH OH my water broke early!

There was a point where I would have gotten really emotionally upset at seeing that - like, pulled out the soapbox and been like that isn't funny!!!

She was having so much fun and being so silly in her pretty dress...

Instead I wondered what would have happened if I'd never known what I know now. Would I have been the girl at the party being all tee hee ;) ::splash::

Maybe. We'll never know. I hope she won't, either. Good 40+ weeks to her and then a take-home baby.

Then I looked at the calendar and remembered...today was the first day I brought my baby boy home to stay. We tried once, but it was a mistake: he wasn't strong enough. Returning your baby to the hospital is like wayyyyyy disappointing. Like, there are no words.

I look super happy in this photograph - and I am. But there was so much more. These were my minutes of delight. When Brandon could convince me to get out of bed and go to the hospital to visit. The first time (when I didn't know what it was like to have him be home) I ran to the hospital each day but after our return I'd become listless.

I felt defeated. My heart cracked as I passed his toys and drained the water from the bath I never gave him the day we took him back. I didn't want to go to the hospital anymore.

The nurses had notes not to bother me unless it was necessary. I just wanted to be alone and hold him close. Sing Edelweiss into his ear and breathe his scent. Put a kiss into his hand to save for later when I couldn't be there.

Those were the longest NICU days - and there were only eight that round.

Right now he's here on the floor playing Transformers, sound effects and all. This week he told me his favorite color is yellow (and then responded with pink and red today). We attended the First Annual Ice Cream Bowl yesterday and he picked out a darling little piece of pottery to hold his sprinkles with a dash of ice cream.

"Oh, it's cake oh, what we doing?" Tristan, age 3

Now it's time for dinner - Tori Amos is playing in the background but he's requesting Pool Party by The Aquabats.

Dearest NICU mamas & papas, 

It will pass...just like They say. But be good to your heart. It takes a long time to chase out those cobwebs and there are things we'll always yearn for - things other moms got--and get, in their memories--to take for granted.

That will get easier, too.

Hold your littles and give them kisses to save for always.

3 years, NICU mom veteran

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