22 August 2013

Door Knobs & Discoballs | How I Became a Human Doorstop

[caption id="attachment_1102" align="aligncenter" width="300"]child proofing toddlers, locks for doorknobs Why don't any of you work??!![/caption]

We've been having a new battle around here. Let's call it The Unresolved Treaty of the Door Knob. UTDK for short. It gets a name because as of today (hold me) it's been going on for an entire month!!! I can't process that. How is that possible...?

Never in my life did I think I would be so obsessed with door knobs. I can't even apply the never say never logic to this because it isn't a thought that occurred to me.

At first I thought I would just teach him that it wasn't a choice to open the door.

Next I got a lock that I thought would last us a long time and also allow the cat to get in and out of our room at leisure. It's like a hanger with a thin neck - really great concept - except my child is named for knights and he tore it straight from the hinges!

Then I went back to training him that it just isn't a choice...like that same night that he ripped the lock down. I have been a human doorstop for a month. ...

Do you see why this never occurred to me when I thought about kids in the future? I even worked with kids! I'm was out dancing to new wave hits of my youth every week, once upon a time ago, and the disco-ball never zapped me a message from Future Self:

Dear Self, Prepare to do time as a part-time door lock. You think I'm kidding, but......................

Ohh yeahh.

I thought the door training was going well. It started with me having to hold it shut for an hour...then 45 min here, 30 min there...it wavered. Then it dropped to five and I thought SUCCESS IS MINE! except the next day he played a trick on me. He emptied my new dresser drawers and built an empire in the middle of the room with all his toys, books, and clothing...all while I sat on the other side of the door listening to the sound of rain that his white noise machine puts out.

Ever since that epic moment we've been back to square one. I broke down and cried (oh totally, I'll tell you true: I CRIED OVER DOOR KNOBS) and ordered one final pack that had rave reviews...except for one that said it's too tight and snug and is just a grip that makes it EASIER to open. Nah, not our knobs, I thought. Our knobs are small and vintage. You have to use a skeleton key to lock them (even if we had the key the bolt is under about 20 coats of thick apartment paint).

Have you gotten a hook? Oh, we've had hooks before, they just come out of the old wood with a slight tug.


Before you ask  - yeah, I tried tying a thick glitter ribbon from our knob to the front door. No, it didn't work but he did enjoy a few rounds of LIMBO while laughing [at me?] hysterically.

Yesterday my brain sat by the front door waiting for my heavenly door knob locks. While I stared at the UPS truck on the corner while [over]watering my basil plants USPS snuck up and rang my bell!!!!! JOY JOY JOY!!!

I put them on thinking YES it is just in time for nap WIN!

Except...fail. They are so snug that they do, indeed, make it easier for him to open.

I took a seat on the floor. He watches my shadow from under the door. I finished reading Game of Thrones. I have The Walking Dead next. A Clash of Kings. Insurgent. It's great that I have so much time to catch up on my reading!

Human Door Knob Lock. No UTDK in sight.

Our House...where I dance around to irony.

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